The golden age of pharmacology.

There is probably a link between bipolar disorder and heightened creativity, but this occurs mainly during the periods of elated mood. One of the first things to go when the mood dips is concentration. For creative types that’s a major hazard.

There’s only one solution for writer’s block. And that’s to write about it.

I just checked with the local NHS and apparently there is no rapid response team for this problem, unlike, say, blocked drains or blocked arteries.

The mental health service is interested in ‘thought block’, but only in the context of schizophrenia.

What I’m envisaging is a group of experts, probably led by a retired army major, who would arrive in a pimped day van, set up their equipment and get to work straight away.

The first thing to do is to remove any loaded weapons and / or bottles of whisky from the writer’s desk.

Next comes a thorough examination of the writer’s body, particularly the orifices, just to check he has not begun ‘disappearing up himself’. If there are signs of this, a Dyson cleaner makes an ideal suction device.

That also includes checking his ego boundaries, to ensure he is still able to separate himself from his characters. Clues to this can include wearing a flying helmet or shoulder holster while he types.

Psychedelic drugs should be removed, keeping samples for the lab, except for science fiction or fantasy writers, when they should be cautiously continued and titrated with Bourbon if necessary.

There are no NICE guidelines for writer’s block, though the author is probably poised over his keyboard and has been for years. But there is some expert guidance on the subject.

Dan Brown for instance likes to hang upside down in gravity boots. This could explain some of his thinking, in terms of reduced cerebral blood flow. Lots of writers prefer to be horizontal when they write, and many others like to pace up and down. Some are quite obsessive about stationary and pens. Others like to chew their pencils. It’s important to ensure they put the right end in their mouths.

Having attended to posture, the team looks toward some kind of psychological jolt. Firing a gun is often helpful, and if there is space, the team like to set up a row of porcelain figurines to use as targets. Royal Doulton seems to work best.

Coercion, blackmail and torture don’t seem to work. This is probably because anxiety levels have gone just beyond the optimum level for concentration. Writer’s block is mainly a result of ‘performance anxiety’. It is when the automatic mind makes the mistake of calling in the reflective mind for advice. Whether it’s writing, sex, walking a tightrope or putting, self monitoring can be catastrophic. The interventions are mainly to create a distraction.

For instance, waving a wad of cash under the nose brings about a rapid reaction similar to smelling salts. Not only does money talk, it speaks most eloquently.

Claims are made for psycho-stimulants and antidepressants which some people think enhance performance. Thomas Hardy might have benefitted from a little light turbo-charging, for instance. I’d like to have seen more of an action thriller conclusion to Mayor of Casterbridge, possibly involving Farfrae and Henchard shooting at each other with blunderbusses, from hot air balloons.

More useful is a gentle workout for the parts of the brain that write. A trip to a gritty location such as a Ladbroke’s in Rotherham might bring just the change of emotional tone that’s needed, but obviously the danger is melancholic overload.

Sometimes a little ‘power pottering’ is necessary, such as re-organising the tea bags or melting a vinyl record to make a flower pot. An encounter with an overloaded kitchen sink has helped many angry young men keep it real.

The most difficult thing is finding an ending, if that’s where the block has happened. If all else fails, a revision test can serve as a makeshift conclusion, e.g

Which blockage is not a medical emergency?

Heart

Arteries

Thought

Writer’s

Intestines

Which endings are valid?

Reprising earlier parts of the piece

Suddenly dying of TB

A dream sequence with exploding figurines

Throwing a badge into San Francisco Bay

Reader, I married him.